He felt weak. He felt useless and used at the same time. What freedom is there in this free country if there isn’t freedom in yourself? He hated his life. He always knew that life is not what happens to you but how you respond. But he hated how he responds to life. He didn’t have the power, energy or will to change his situation. Oh he tried. Yes, he did. Now he couldn’t care less. He was bound by everything he learned was bad. He felt like a failure in every bit of his life. A career failure. A relationship failure. A family failure. He had nothing to believe in anymore. No more God. No more love and hope. Hope! Once a beautiful word. Once the most beautiful aspect of life to hold on to. Hope in a future. Hope in family and love. No matter what negatives of life strike you in the face, hope will be there to comfort you, to let you know that you’re on the right track, to challenge you to push on. Most painfully, the hope in God. He once had a hope in God. Hope that it would all be okay. That God had a divine plan and purpose for everything. In fact, because of struggles in life, because of adversity, overcoming and breakthrough is made more beautiful. It was in that hope he once stood. It was in that hope for the beautiful journey that he chose to continue living. It occurred to him though, that deep inside, deep down, he did still have hope. Hope that God will still be able to make things perfect. And even more so perfect because of the ditch he’s in. Yet why? Why does he feel the void of his heart? Why is it not clear to him? Why did he doubt? He feels pain. He feels loneliness. There is no reason. There is no motivation for anything. He knows that these are the telltale signs that hope has left him. Is it possible to come back to that place of… of… such an awesome presence that cannot be explained? He misses it. No, he shuns it. There will be no turning back. Not like this. Not now. Not ever. But is it possible to dig out that tiny minuscule hope buried deep down inside? He longs for the warmth and comfort. Yet he doesn’t allow it. It’s not possible. No way in his logical mind can he see good come out of his life. Secretly, inside, he knows that this hope is the very thing that could save him. But all the fibers of his being just wants to run from this light. Exposure. Shame. Guilt. That is what will come out of pursuing hope and God. God sees into. God digs out. No no no no. He didn’t want this. He is convinced. The devil inside him is himself. How is a divine being going to purge him from himself? What will be left? Nothing. Everything he has worked on will be gone. Every relationship, every career, every part of his personal life. Does he want to live with nothing? He’d rather die. Hmmm. Yet, these are the very area’s in his life that needs most repairing. No. He doesn’t need any God. Just be professional. Live. Survive. Reproduce. That’s a good plan. He liked it. Every single creature in the history of ever is doing it and has done it. Yes, he believed he can. He believed he can… Somehow he is not fully convinced. He pondered his life before this. He pondered his life now. No, this pattern is what got him thinking in the first place. Failure failure failure. Even when he did succeed in something, he had the ability to mess it up again somehow. If there was a hope in him, how did he get to this place right now? Maybe he could change that. His future may not need to be effected negatively by his past. He could learn. He could overcome them. There are lots of self-help books out there. But where would he start? Think positive. He could start over. Go somewhere. Make new friends. Meet people who don’t know the real him. Build a mask. Yes. A future. A hope that he could work on all by himself. Why depend on a God for hope? All the resources are out here in the world. Why depend on a God that is not here now? Where is He? Or where are they? No, childhood memory reminds him that God is everywhere. Especially in his heart. God holds the whole world in His hands. How could that be possible? His heart feels empty. His world is spinning out of control. God is definitely not holding it in place. Where is the order? Where is the peace? Not out there in the world. Not in here in his heart. Yet again, deep down, the hope that is buried suddenly twitches. Invite. Invite? He suddenly imagined his home. There would be loneliness and emptiness in his home if he never invited anyone in. That’s not possible. He’s invited lots of people in his home. He could see the correlation with that and his heart. Sure, he’s done lots of things to fill the emptiness of his heart. He’s tried it all. Nothing works. The truth hurts, he would tell his friends, nothing can fulfill that desire and longing in your heart. Stop trying. You will only dig a deeper grave of hurt and disappointment. That’s been the motto of his life. Stop trying. There was no need. Again. That annoying tug. No, he buried it inside. Six feet. That faith is dead. Stop trying for my attention, hope. Stop it. Again. Now louder. Definitely this time. It was a knock. That was weird. He was suddenly terrified. It was black magic. He’s seen it at work, but never wanted to get into it again after trying the first time. He knew how real and powerful it was. That was how he recognized this. This was real and powerful. A gentle knock. How could it be? Invite. Invite? Invite what? Invite God back into his life? No! The very thing he was running away from. All he wanted was a future without God. A life without God. He could keep his secrets. Do what he likes. Freedom. Freedom? He looked back at his life again. What freedom is there in this free country if there isn’t freedom in yourself? What is freedom? Again a knock. This time he knew. That knock. Real. Powerful. Gentle. Loving. Hopeful. He had to invite Him in. He knew he had a choice. All of his life he lived making the wrong choices. He was bound to wrong choices. Freedom. Freedom from making wrong choices? How was that possible? How was it even possible to call it his will and choice if he was bound? Does he have a will to choose? Everything was contradictory. Could he choose right this one time? Now, a last knock. Somehow he knew that that was the last knock. Not the last knock forever, but the last knock for now. The last knock confirmed it. The knock of second chances. He knew, outside his heart, knocking and waiting; the very person he’s been running away from. That last knock confirmed it. The love that radiates. The strength. The tenderness. The passion. Could he respond to Jesus?


Response Or Choice

Hi Emmeline


i dedicate this song to you





What Is This Love?


i have a theory that any relationship requires two parties to be involved.

whether its siblings, parents, friends, best friends, acquaintances, or spouse.

you need two to call it a relationship.

but love, is a one person involvement.

i can love you without your permission.

i can love you without you knowing.

i can love you even if you downright don’t want it.

imagine if we needed permission to love our babies.

how long do we have to wait for them to learn to respond?

and they probably wont live that long if we didnt love them.


which is why love is a choice.

NOT a response.


but here i am feeling in my heart different from what i believe.

why is it so easy to love and care for strangers without them acknowledging or needing them to show gratitude?

but its so hard to love and care for close friends and family without expecting them to show acknowledgement and gratitude?

its like. i want them to love me back.

sure its a natural response,

we were created to give love and receive love.

but i think its not good to EXPECT it too much.

it only allows room for hurt and disappointment.



Good Things

A Series Of Good

happened to me last week.

good week it was.

#1 and foremost.

my gift was by far the best gift.

that made me feel all giggly and warm inside.



i got a samsung nexus s.

it was my dads, and now its mine.

so there.

you can now whatsapp me. and also we can vid skype yay.


on saturday, i was putting the church van back to church.

but the problem was, i FORGOT to put the keys back in the office.

after i was done with music prac, the keys werent with me anymore.

so naturally i thought i was done with my responsibilities.

next day however, my pastor youth leader called me and asked where the keys were.

i was so shocked!

i drove back to church, and retraced my steps, called EVERYONE i came in contact with that saturday, and called my parents to search my house.

after a long time of searching everywhere.

the results were a fail.

i was so angry with myself.

i kept thinking and thinking and scratching my brains.

but to no avail.

i had no clue where i left them.

then later in the week,

my friend called me and told me she had found the keys in her handbag.

i did hang out with her on saturday after music practice.

but the weird thing was, i DID NOT give her my keys.

nor did she give me her handbag.

so how it got there?

i can only imagine that God conveniently put it there.



this game came into my life.

you should totally download the app.

even the name rocks.




had a great game of captainball on the beach.

so fun.

its been so long since i exercised.

and it felt good to sweat again.


So we had a teen forum about sex.

It was separated by gender though. Boys in one room and girls in the other.

Very interesting questions. Eye opening answers.

Questions by the participants will be italicized. Participants in this case are all teenage boys. Answers are not by me, but by married men. I wrote them down. =)

And now I will share it (take note that some of the answers and questions have been altered to be more specific or understandable by readers).

Let us begin.

Why sex?

– Sex is God’s command. It is mentioned in the first chapter of the first book in the bible.

If we have already had sex, and we are in regret. What next? How to reconcile?

– Come before God, repent. Turn Around. Total Breakoff. Don’t do it again. An act of sexual intercourse is a soul tie. There’s no such thing as a ‘One night stand’.

– For girls, there’s a second chance virginity. To be holy for marriage.

– Don’t feel condemned (The devil tells us we are not good enough). Talk to leaders and mentors. If you don’t have any, find one. Good spiritual mentors.

– God gives second chances.

Is it a sin to create babies without sexual intercourse? Sperm injection.

– Bringing babies into the world is a serious matter. Life. Soul. Not good. It is a selfish act. Better to just adopt a child.

Don’t flirt with temptation. Because it opens up doors to sin.



Making out, heavy petting. Sin?

– Yes. As long as we look at a girl lustfully, it is a sin. There is no way we can make out and do heavy petting with a girl without imagining things or arousing ourselves.


– Sin. The sin is in what you think. To masturbate, we have to think of the action. That is sin. And we have to think of doing it with someone. That is also sin. Bible says “if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.” And “if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.” Why did it talk about the hand? Because he was referring to masturbation.

If I masturbate, am I still a virgin? What is a virgin?

– Definition of a virgin? For guys it doesn’t matter.

– Our priority. Who do we hurt when we masturbate? God or wife? or both?

Oral Sex?

– Wrong.

Wet Dreams?

– We can’t control our dreams. But we have to check ourselves. We are visual beings. Where did the visual ideas come from? Only if we’ve seen or imagined things, then we will dream it.

We Struggle because we always Entertain the thoughts

What is the physical problems with sex before marriage?

– Many times we hear that oh it’s okay to have sex since we will be getting married anyways. But there is NO GUARANTEE. Even the night before the wedding, you’re still not married yet. One of you can still run off or cheat on you.

– We violate a person.

– Condom safe sex is a myth.

– STDs. Herpes, HPV, AIDS. Some through touch, some through fluids, some through blood.

– Oral sex CAN transfer STDs.

Homosexuals. “I’m gay but I don’t practice it”. Do gays go to heaven? How to encourage a gay friend to change?

– No gays do not go to heaven. But God can forgive sins if repentant.

– These people usually have an absent father or father figure in their lives.

– Definition of gay: in an intimate relationship with someone of the same sex. Even if no intercourse.

– Accept gays as friend. DO NOT CONDEMN THEM. Gay has the same weight of sin as any sin, even stealing or lying. He is as much a sinner as you. Don’t condemn. If you cant be patient with them, DON’T try to help them with their problem. They need extra care and patience.

– If you are gay? God did not make you that way. It is a psychological problem and can be cured.

How to deny the thoughts? HOW TO STOP?!?!?!

– Two possibilities: 1. Supernatural power of God; a miracle! 2. Work super hard.

– “Bounce your eyes” The eyes will automatically detect a girl and bounce towards her. But you have to bounce it away right after that.

– Stop feeding the SUMO inside. We are fighting against a supernatural Sumo wrestler who is bigger and stronger than us. Every time we go head to head against it, we will lose. Instead, we need to starve it. Stop feeding the Sumo Wrestler the visual and the imagination it needs to grow. Slowly slowly, one day we will beat him.

The best gift we can give our wife or husband is our virginity

Corruption Of Sin

1 Samuel 18:5-17


Whatever Saul asked David to do, David did it successfully. So Saul made him a commander over the men of war, an appointment that was welcomed by the people and Saul’s officers alike.

When the victorious Israelite army was returning home after David had killed the Philistine, women from all the towns of Israel came out to meet King Saul. They sang and danced for joy with tambourines and cymbals. This was their song:

“Saul has killed his thousands,
    and David his ten thousands!”

This made Saul very angry. “What’s this?” he said. “They credit David with ten thousands and me with only thousands. Next they’ll be making him their king!” So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David.

The very next day a tormenting spirit from God overwhelmed Saul, and he began to rave in his house like a madman. David was playing the harp, as he did each day. But Saul had a spear in his hand, and he suddenly hurled it at David, intending to pin him to the wall. But David escaped him twice.

Saul was then afraid of David, for the Lord was with David and had turned away from Saul. Finally, Saul sent him away and appointed him commander over 1,000 men, and David faithfully led his troops into battle.

David continued to succeed in everything he did, for the Lord was with him. When Saul recognized this, he became even more afraid of him. But all Israel and Judah loved David because he was so successful at leading his troops into battle.

One day Saul said to David, “I am ready to give you my older daughter, Merab, as your wife. But first you must prove yourself to be a real warrior by fighting the Lord’s battles.” For Saul thought, “I’ll send him out against the Philistines and let them kill him rather than doing it myself.”



my focus was on the verse 12 

Saul was then afraid of David, for the Lord was with David and had turned away from Saul.


it got me thinking.

somehow, sin works like a snowball effect.

in Saul’s story before this chapter, he disobeyed God.

so he acknowledges that he is away from God’s will. but yet instead of coming back to God, he sins even more.

he turns away from God.

getting jealous. he even plotted to get rid of David.


if we don’t face God and repent, things will get worse.

we will grow deeper and deeper into our sin. 

it will snowball out of control.

oh. that was a reminder for myself.


here’s an example.

Ted Bundy, Interview by Dr. James Dobson in 1989 Before Execution


Ted Bundy is a seriel killer/rapist.


if u cant watch the vid,

here’s a link for the convo.

or… mostly the important parts.




my sins are snowballing for sure.


Lord help me. and help my readers and friends to overcome our failures and sins.


Lord i pray for breakthrough on everything we are facing.

Lord i pray for a willing heart to repent.

we love you.