Lord I hear You I know You’re there
Closer now than my skin and bones could dare
Breathing deep within me
You are always with me
Tag: personal
Vision
Today in Sunday School for adults, Leadership Pillar 1 Session 4, we learned about setting Vision, Mission, and Goals. These help us to stay focused in life; to not waste our time (and life) doing things that we may regret or which do not bring any contentment or bring any benefit.
The importance of having a vision, missions, and goals is something taught to me at least once a year, but it’s not something I’ve ever followed through. It’s not easy to follow a goal through or be focused on a vision in a long term (or to even plan your life for long term).
But I believe it’s about time I start being focused.
I’m sure God is with me on this one, because He helped me draft a pretty much complete Vision, Mission, and Goals this morning just on my first draft. I might share it here one day. When it’s more complete. Hmmmm should I?
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Unworthy
Been thinking about life more than usual again… And well, for my failures, I don’t feel worthy of the good friends I have. I don’t feel good enough for the jobs I may be applying for. Nor do I feel like a good son or sibling. I’m definitely not doing well in my spiritual life. Which means I’m not good enough to be called God’s child. His blessed one. His work of art. How can i be like this and be part of God’s plan and mighty movement?
Well, it is a choice isn’t it? I can take off my baggage and jump on the J-train. Or I can dig into my pity hole and keep begging for mercy.
What should I do?
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Mellow?
So Recently
I haven’t been able to sleep well. I’ve had a non-stop runny-nose. I can’t think straight. I get disappointed with myself for silly little things. I’ve had a problematic stomach. I can’t be bothered to be productive. My right ear hurt. I take afternoon naps (now that’s extreme). I miss my friends. I get tired easily. I start every sentence with the word “I”. I’m even writing in a proper sentence structure with grammar and punctuation. Oh man, this is bad. Maybe it’s the haze.
So if you haven’t heard, Xanga is going to make some major changes. It’s either going to just close down entirely, or revamp Xanga through the WordPress engine to Xanga 2.0 or something like that. Actually I’m not too sure about what’s going to happen. But I do know that it’s going to affect me. Because I like it here.
I’m really going to miss this place. It’s been a fun ride. Just blabbering my thoughts to the public world and expecting the world to respond. I also use this place as a motivation to read. Thought that maybe if I read more, I had more to share about. It worked. This blog motivated me to think deep. This blog motivated me to think deep yet express and present it in a fun and acceptable manner. This blog allowed me to express my thoughts about controversial issues. Why do I sound like I’m writing a eulogy? Maybe because this place has been a part of me for such a long time. This is definitely an emotional attachment.
Either way, whether Xanga closes or whether it stays alive with 2.0, I’ve decided that I will take my thoughts and words and express it through WordPress. I’ve created an account (don’t try to guess my username or look for it) there in the past in the hopes of creating a formal blog where I could maybe write teachings or devotionals. More serious stuff instead of my usual messy thought-diarrhea’s. But I guess I’m just going to move there because this ship may sink/upgrade.
Dear XangaTeam,
It’s been a great journey. Hope you do great in your future endeavors.
God bless.
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Die, Self, DIE!
To Do List
for those of you who don’t know,
i’m currently on “menganggur” mode and am still searching for a job.
(btw, i took a degree in business administration. a little self promotion here. i need a job!)
but i was thinking,
i’m really not trying hard enough to find that job.
“why?” thunked you.
good kusiton.
well honestly,
i have this to-do list that i want done before i get this job, see?
and it’s like, i’m just a(teeny)bit lazy to get those stuff done.
which means, i cant get that job yet.
or else i’ll have a job,
without
things
done.
=O
Doing God’s Will
you know,
We Christians like to say things we don’t understand.
wow.
i should start every blog post with that sentence haha.
for example,
“Not my will, but Your will be done.”
or
“We should desire only one thing, God’s will.”
ok fine, those aren’t my “examples” per se. (what does “per se” mean anyways? HAHA)
they’re actually what i’ll be using to get my point across.
so lets dissect these sentences.
they focus on importance of God’s will.
and the death of our own will.
that’s actually good. in a way.
but. God gave us a will.
shouldn’t we be using it?
well.
i have an opinion.
Permission to speak, sir!
…too bad, you don’t have a choice.
See, God has a plan for each of us.
but (again), He doesn’t Force us to do it.
WE have to USE our will to CHOOSE His will.
God DID give us a will for a reason.
in the new testament, Paul mentions about dying to ourselves.
(he wasnt talking about physical death)
but i don’t think he meant that ALL our dreams and passions are evil.
and i don’t think that if we have desires outside of what God says in the bible, we’re sinners.
King Solomon wrote this in Proverbs 16:3
Commit your actions to the Lord,
and your plans will succeed.
wait.
did you say
MY actions?
MY plans?
what happened to “i ONLY do the will of God“?
God gave men creativity.
God gave us a will to decide between possibilities.
I believe that God plants seeds of different passion, desires, skills, and abilities inside us WAAAAAY before we were even planted into our moms.
So how can our desires and dreams be bad?
well, it can.
if it’s not dedicated to the Lord.
Also, it can be bad if God has obviously told you to do something else.
sheesh.
Lesson #1
How to make our plans and desires right and beautiful?
firstly,
you need time.
more specifically, anything you call Now.
even if it’s later, “now” will still mean “now”. so don’t worry about that.
secondly,
you need a means of communication with God.
more specifically, anything you call Pray.
anywhere. don’t worry about which direction to look. don’t worry bout credit limit either.
thirdly,
you need to be honest.
Just tell Him you want your desires and dreams to be from Him.
He’ll actually slowly show you:
Which dreams are from Him,
which passions are from other un-good places,
and which plans are just up to us to decide.
So remember kids,
we do have a choice;
We always have and always will.
and many-a-times, our will is also God’s will planted into us.
we just have to be focused to see it.
and aware that we might get it wrong all the same.
P.S.
“thunked”
is the past tense of
“thunk”
is the past tense of
“think”
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I’m A Man Now!
Really Tiny Update Of Life In Point Form
– I’ve just graduated from a 3months bible course in Tung Ling Seminary
– I’ve just emailed my first resume in my life
– I’m on season 3 of Fringe, a tv series. Like a scientific version of The X-files
Not As Tiny (Obligatory) Message Of Appreciation In Centered Paragraph
Greetings fellow earth-fellows. I’m very encouraged that my blog is being visited by humans from all over this humanity. I’ve got readers from California, France, New Jersey, Georgia (wait… those are both in the US right?), Ontario, Poland, New Jersey, Arizona, UK, Ukraine, and especially from Malaysia! I hope you guys are actually real human beings and not bots created to visit blogs to make bloggers feel good.
Thanks all for reading! I’m at your humble service.
Even Less Tiny Sharing Of Personal Observation With Intention Of Provoking Self-Evaluation And Possible Change Resolve Among Readers
Proverbs 12:14
A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his mouth,
And the recompense of a man’s hands will be rendered to him.
you know,
i’ve honestly never really associated the word “fruit” and “mouth”
like the way i associate the words “fruit” and “hands”
i know that good works bear good fruit.
but why did it not occur to me that good words would too?
whatever the reason, this reminds me that we need to be careful with words.
our words really have the power to build up or destroy.
and you know, if i REALLY think about it,
words affect three categories of people.
1. the person you’re talking to
2. the person who’s talking
3. the person who’s not listening nor talking (yes everyone else in this whole world)
yes. the things we say do affect ourselves and also hurt others who were not even involved in the conversation.
how? usually not directly, i guess.
think about it.
but it’s there.
our mouths can bear bad fruit.
our mouths can bear good fruit.
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Proverbs 9
The Way of Wisdom
1 Wisdom has built her house,
She has hewn out her seven pillars;
2 She has slaughtered her meat,
She has mixed her wine,
She has also furnished her table.
3 She has sent out her maidens,
She cries out from the highest places of the city,
4 “Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!”
As for him who lacks understanding, she says to him,
5 “Come, eat of my bread
And drink of the wine I have mixed.
6 Forsake foolishness and live,
And go in the way of understanding.
The Way of Folly
13 A foolish woman is clamorous;
She is simple, and knows nothing.
14 For she sits at the door of her house,
On a seat by the highest places of the city,
15 To call to those who pass by,
Who go straight on their way:
16 “Whoever is simple, let him turn in here”;
And as for him who lacks understanding, she says to him,
17 “Stolen water is sweet,
And bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
18 But he does not know that the dead are there,
That her guests are in the depths of hell.
-NKJV
Wisdom’s house is built on 7 pillars.
that’d be a big and steady house.
food has been set. meat. not baby milk.
& wine mixed. can mixed wine be kept? hmm im not sure. but i dont think mixed wine is meant to be kept. it’s special, tastes good, and is meant for today. tomorrow will have it’s own mix of new wine. don’t wait or let it rot. let’s dine today.
now Folly also has a house.
she’s not inside preparing. she’s outside.
doing marketing-sales.
reminds me of how some products are so “package-focused”.
the product itself has no substance.
people can have substance in their life.
quality.
but it takes wisdom, hard work, early preparation, time, precision (care; like mixing wine), growth (maturity), strength, and daily consistency.
watch for Folly!
she may make herself look good and sound convincing.
but you’ll find her sitting! at the door of her own house even.
not even standing or moving or looking for you or doing anything.
i can imagine a pretty looking lady, sitting on the doorsteps of her little run down house.
calling out, trying to gain attention.
trying to convince you of how pleasurable sin can be.
how would you respond if you see a man get fooled by Folly?
if i see a man get convinced by such a character and go into her house with her,
i would be the first to say “what an idiot! gosh! can’t he see such an obvious trap?!”
but then again, can i say i havent walked into obvious traps myself?
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Acts 9
A Disciple
verses 1-20
Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way, whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”
“Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked.
“I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.”
The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing.So they led him by the hand into Damascus. For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.
In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias. The Lord called to him in a vision,“Ananias!”
“Yes, Lord,” he answered.
The Lord told him, “Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying. In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.”
“Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem. And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name.”
But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.”
Then Ananias went to the house and entered it. Placing his hands on Saul, he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord—Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here—has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized, and after taking some food, he regained his strength.
Saul spent several days with the disciples in Damascus. At once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God.
this is a very important turning event for a powerful man we all know as Paul (Saul was his old name hehe).
Paul was a very successful missionary and planted many many churches.
and he has such a dramatic story of how he was at first a persecutor of the church,
God changed him, and he started being a powerful man in the early church history.
but i cant help but notice that this story is not just about Paul/Saul and Jesus.
there’s this disciple called Ananias.
Ananias prayed for Paul.
but is that all there is to the story?
i think not.
i think God wanted to teach Ananias to faithful and obedient.
i think God wanted to teach me about being faithful and obedient too through Ananias.
let me explain.
when Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem. And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name.”
do you think he was just trying to double check if God made a mistake?
just in case he heard wrong maybe?
i think not.
i think after hearing the horrors and stories about what Saul/Paul was doing, and after hearing that Saul was coming into HIS town to look for people like HIM, with Ananias’ life in danger,
i think, that Ananias didn’t actually want to pray for Saul.
would you?
i wouldn’t even want to meet or go anywhere near this Saul.
this reminds me of the story of Jonah.
i think the story of Jonah is more about his rebellion than about him being eaten and vomited from by a fish just because he didnt taste that good.
no.
God asked Jonah to preach to a people (Ninevites if im not mistaken).
the worst people at that time.
the most sinful.
worst.
and Jonah absolutely hated them.
they were doing totally detestable things.
things God hated. it’s gross. and horrible. and yucky.
but God wanted Jonah to preach to them.
Jonah was sure he wouldn’t be able to get his message into their thick skulls,
also, he hated them and wanted God to punish them instead.
so instead of travelling towards Nineveh,
he traveled the total opposite direction.
But eventually, after spending some time in the belly of the whale (just an expression),
he decided it’s wiser to be following and obeying God’s will.
he went and preached to the Ninevites.
and what he was afraid of happened:
they totally repented.
totally and wholly.
its so amazing that because of ONE man.
one obedient man, such a big change could happen.
of course, it’s God who did it, not Jonah.
but God wanted to use a willing hearted man.
Ananias trusted God and met Saul despite what he felt about Saul.
Saul was blind, and if God healed him, how did Ananias know that Saul wouldnt just take his sword out and kill him on the spot?
shouldnt Ananias just chop Saul’s head off while he was vulnerable?
but Ananias obeyed God anyways.
you know, i do have a problem with authoritative figures sometimes.
namely my parents and God Himself.
i like to be disobedient.
i like to think myself above the law because i think i know better.
i think i know the purpose and motive behind the law, and because of that i think i can break some laws for my convenience as long as i knew the real purpose of some laws.
but i see myself being more and more disobedient from there on.
it becomes ok.
sometimes i don’t want to obey.
and since i’ve disobeyed other laws, i think this other law? should be fine as well.
its so small matter.
sometimes God speaks to me clearly like He spoke to Jonah and Ananias.
but sometimes it’s just more comfortable or more fun to not obey what God wants.
but i have to remember. its not about me.
it’s about God and what He wants and what He has planned for me and for people around me.
obeying Him not only would benefit me, it would benefit so many people.
look at what Jonah and Ananias and all the people in the bible did.
look at the simple things they did and how many people they have impacted.
Ananias just prayed for Saul.
probably hung out with him for a while during recovery.
Boom churches all over Asia.
God changed Saul’s name to Paul, and used him so mightily for the extension of God’s kingdom.
Ananias was part of that.
but disciple Ananias needed to be obedient to impact the world.
he needed to choose obedience.
so do I.
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Simon Says “I Want To Have That Power!”
Lesson Of The Day:
Being worse than me doesn’t make them more of a sinner than I am.
today i will be covering my devotion on Acts chapter 8
Verses 1, 3-4
On that day a great persecution broke out against the church in Jerusalem, and all except the apostles were scattered throughout Judea and Samaria…
But Saul began to destroy the church. Going from house to house, he dragged off both men and women and put them in prison. Those who had been scattered preached the word wherever they went.
i have heard many encouraging stories of churches and christians seeing revival and how they grew in number and spirit like crazy.
but its amazing how much a church can grow because of persecution.
so much of the stories i’ve heard are about how the christians are persecuted.
and these occurrences makes the church grow stronger instead of weaker.
this is a great example of how the church becomes more proactive when being persecuted.
it’s like the church needs persecution to be the catalyst to make change happen.
i hope that doesnt need to happen in Malaysia.
Verses 5-8
Philip went down to a city in Samaria and proclaimed the Messiah there. When the crowds heard Philip and saw the signs he performed, they all paid close attention to what he said. For with shrieks, impure spirits came out of many, and many who were paralyzed or lame were healed. So there was great joy in that city.
sometimes the best proof of Christ is the most simple:
joy.
so many of my friends who love God the most have the same trait.
they bring joy into their friends’ lives.
people just feel happy and like to have them around.
and it’s consistent.
from the most melancholic, shy, and meek, to the most brave, loud and friendly,
if they love God, they bring joy around with them.
maybe we should assess ourselves as individuals.
are we bringing joy to people around us?
as a church, are we bringing joy to our city?
or even better, as verse 8 states, GREAT JOY.
a Great God should bring Great Joy right?
and He does it through those who have Him in their hearts, right?
Verses 9-24
9 Now for some time a man named Simon had practiced sorcery in the city and amazed all the people of Samaria. He boasted that he was someone great, 10 and all the people, both high and low, gave him their attention and exclaimed, “This man is rightly called the Great Power of God.” 11 They followed him because he had amazed them for a long time with his sorcery. 12 But when they believed Philip as he proclaimed the good news of the kingdom of God and the name of Jesus Christ, they were baptized, both men and women. 13 Simon himself believed and was baptized. And he followed Philip everywhere, astonished by the great signs and miracles he saw.
14 When the apostles in Jerusalem heard that Samaria had accepted the word of God, they sent Peter and John to Samaria. 15 When they arrived, they prayed for the new believers there that they might receive the Holy Spirit, 16 because the Holy Spirit had not yet come on any of them; they had simply been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. 17 Then Peter and John placed their hands on them, and they received the Holy Spirit.
18 When Simon saw that the Spirit was given at the laying on of the apostles’ hands, he offered them money 19 and said, “Give me also this ability so that everyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit.”
20 Peter answered: “May your money perish with you, because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money! 21 You have no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. 22 Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord in the hope that he may forgive you for having such a thought in your heart. 23 For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.”
24 Then Simon answered, “Pray to the Lord for me so that nothing you have said may happen to me.”
Here are random thoughts i had while reading this:
(in no particular order)
This simon is so demanding.
no wonder the game is called “Simon Says”
this man is very career minded.
he wants to better himself in the sorcery and “amazing” (or showing off to) people.
which is totally not God’s heart.
which made me think, did simon really receive the Holy Spirit?
Good news: the gift of God is free!
“captive to sin”
reminds me of how dangerous it is to be playing with magic, spirits, and mediums.
Random Funny Since It’s Christmas Season
on the serious side,
i had great christmas gifts.
thanks all!
thank You God for answering prayers!
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Retreat!
Social Situation #1
so i have this natural tendency to just tear myself away from a group of friends or from a conversation when it becomes socially awkward for me.
i will just retreat or look for someone else to talk to, or just find some other way to entertain myself when it becomes awkward.
or at least, when i THINK its awkward.
for example,
i have friends who get mushy-mushy with each other and act soooo… like… lovey-dovey…
i will be quite repulsed and just walk away.
or when someone is like trying to act so caring and try to impress someone else.
i can think of gross things to say.
and when i feel like there is no way anything i say next is going to be positive or edifying,
i just walk away.
i just cant take it.
its something i dislike.
it makes me feel like some sort of intruder to this romantic relationship that i dont understand.
i just dont see it.
it works either way.
whether its the guy trying to impress a girl, or when a girl is trying to impress a guy.
i will move aside.
i dont like to look like i want to gain attention from this girl whom other guys are trying to gain attention from as well.
Social Situation #2
nt only that, i feel uncomfortable making new friends.
making new acquaintances, i’m ok.
but making new friends (i’m not like my sis or my dad)…
i’m not really as sociallable as some people think.
in fact, if you really hang with me alot, and actually like, live with me (like classmates or real good church friends),
you’ll see my true colours.
i dont feel comfortable making new friends, especially if its not my own initiative.
for example, when my sis forces me make friends with her friends (just because she gets along with my friends just fine, she thinks i can do it easily).
also, when my friends introduce me to their new boyfriends or girlfriends (it’s like, “oh i know you’ll get along so well”).
i mean. i’m okay with the idea of me making friends.
it’s just, i can’t be forced into it you know.
sometimes i find it harder when that certain friend of a friend is so interested to make friends with me.
(like those people who are super friendly and love making new friends)
i really dunno why, they can make me uncomfortable.
but of course, i know that in the long run, it will be better to make friends.
so i do.
i do allow people to introduce their new interests to me.
i do make an effort to make friends with my sis’s friends.
i do stick around to try to make friends with overly-friendly people.
i mean, honestly, i HAVE made good friends this way.
and i HAVE been blessed by great people this way too.
for example, C married a man named J (true story bro), and i feel quite uncomfortable around him.
and C is a close close friend.
but because i love C, i need to love J too. and i allow myself.
now, he’s a great great friend who inspires me to be better.
i have made great friends this way.
its just that i dislike that uncomfortable feeling.
and i fear that my discomfort can be seen.
but as a conclusion i can say that i’m only afraid of the social discomfort,
but i’m not BAD or react wrongly at these social discomfort.
but the fear is still quite strong haha.
so another close friend of mine is praying for her ex-boyfriend.
and in fact, i did too.
i’ve never met him before.
so one day she announced to me that he will be visiting our church service.
wow. i was… shocked.
i didnt know why.
i got a cold+dilemma+fear.
what if i just retreat from him?
what if i cant really feel comfortable making friends with him?
yet i wanted to make friends and make a good impression because i’m sure she’d want me too.
and as a christian, we have to be friendly to people.
but just like the mushy-mushy thing i explained above, i’m afraid i will just dislike that social situation and just find an excuse to leave.
yet i think my fear is holding me back more than my actual ability to make friends.
sigh.
i wish i could just make friends with people no matter who they are.
easily and without over-thinking and without over-feeling.
Social Situation #3
like i said, im a coward in social situations.
and sometimes, i really really dunno how to react.
so, before the social situation even occurs, i retreat.
my mind will play all these possible scenarios (my brain can work really really quick) and when there is a high possibility a social situation may occur, i will make sure i wont be around to experience it or need to react to it.
i tell u the truth.
i love adventure and i love the thrill of doing crazy things.
but i hate hate hate the game Truth or Dare.
because its a bad social situation both for truth and for dare.
i fear it.
i detest it.
Social Situation #4
also, i will retreat from anything to do with personal pain or hurt (not the physical types).
everytime someone tells me that they dont have a dad or mom, or when someone tells me someone has passed away, i just freeze.
for example, recently (just yesterday actually), i asked a kid how tall his dad is.
he responded with “do you know what happened to my parents?!”
i was shocked.
i couldnt respond because the first thoughts that went through my head were
“they died in a car accident and now he’s an orphan”
or “his dad died and his mom is now a drunk”
or “his parents ditched him in a ditch when he was 5”
but i just sat there. i couldnt respond.
conversation within the group continued from somewhere we left off earlier.
but i had nothing to say till he left.
(i later found out that his dad left his family when he was young)
when i feel like i touched someones sensitive point, i will just lock up and shut up.
my urge will be to retreat and go think about something else.
hoping that person will forget i asked or brought the topic up.
i sometimes dont even apologise.
i just dont want the topic to even be touched.
unless they are close friends, then i will feel abit more comfortable to venture into this topic.
coward.
Retreat?!
this is a fear i’ve had.
i dunno what sort of fear that is.
it’s just that i dislike these sort of social situation.
and actually, its not good.
i’m not solving anything by shutting up or just running off.
in fact, im making it feel more awkward for that person or persons.
and i need to learn to be straight forward.
and i need to learn to not be too weirded out.
and i need to learn to be more patient with people who makes awkward situations that make me have to walk away.
i dunno what else i need.
Lord guide me.
There is hope. We can be fixed. 